kelaris_thaen

hmm...

2006-05-20T14:07:29Z

I keep getting sick, much more recently than ever. It would be getting on my nerves, but I've run out of steam to vent...people at school have...well...I really should find a new crowd to hang out with. That or I just shouldn't hang out with anyone anymore. It's been quite a number of years since I last snapped, and more since I last had a breakdown...I'd rather not repeat either experience.

So steve's been telling me that I'm different whenever I date someone, in a negative way. That I'm not as 'fun' to hang out with. Know why? Because when I'm single I'm unhappy and lonely, and it drives me crazy because I end up pitying myself, and hating myself for it...so I go a little psycho. People think that's funny, and great. FUCK THEM. When I dated nicole, I was happy for awhile...at first...kind of. Not really, I hated her, still do. But I caught a few glimpses of her good side, but then later realized that some people are hopeless, no matter how much good they're capable of doing. With Riva, I am happy, and I would be less stressed out, and enjoying life...if it weren't for my other friends. So in a way, it's steve's fault and company why I'm acting differently. -.-

I've also been informed that he was saying that to Riva, and then told her she was acting differently as well (he doesn't know either of us very well, at least not as well as he likes to think and tell us, so he really doesn't have the right to be saying this) and then compaired her to nicole. He informed her that the only difference about when I was dating nicole, to when now, where I'm dating Riva...is that with nicole I was whipped, now I'm just laid back and content. What a fucking egotistical fucktard. (whoever uses that word, thank you, I must borrow it for this occasion...it's a great one for any instance where I'm talking about steve). So he just informed Riva (even if she didn't catch it) that she means as little to me as nicole did. I wonder if he realizes how dead he is if I hear of him saying this shit again...Because nicole doesn't mean shit to me, but Riva means quite a fucking lot to me damn it. Did I mention, that when she hit her head and got the concussion, that he was standing there, smiling, telling me how I should have intervened and that it was all my fault? I fucking hate him. FUCKING DIE STEVE.

Then there's angry kid. I know he has a livejournal, and he may end up reading this...but I don't give a flying fuck anymore. He's really pissing me...and everyone else off. He's too aggressive, and quite pathetic. He hits my friends, calls me a friend but acts just as childish to me, and thinks the world around him is falling apart. He lies to everyone too...I wonder if he's ever told the truth about anything. I think he should be a permenant resident in a mental institution, because I see no hope for him. And everytime he hits something or someone, I want to gut him...he makes me so god damned angry. (please read my response comment to this submitted journal, I'm not hating you, just...a little irritated)

Then there's school itself. I have a 99 in science this quarter, and a 100 in english...and I'm passing all my other classes too. I'm one of a very select few who even bothered to be proud of me. But now I've found out that I have 2 or 3 speaches left to give in english...and I can't do that. I'm hoping I can do research projects instead, as Mr. Cutter knows I'd probably have an anxiety attack if I tried to give a speach...or if I can even pass in some of my stories for extra credit...because I need a 94 in english this quarter to pass for the year. Until I found out about the speaches, I thought that entirely possible.

So the stress from friends, as well as the anger...and the stress of trying to keep up my grades in all my classes...is seriously going to either make me snap, or make me have another mental breakdown...and whatever sickness it is that's trying to get me this time, just makes me want to throw up and launch myself off the highest point I can find. Preferably a mountain, so I have a nice view as I fall.

I hate people. At this rate I'll probably cancel my end of the year party...and I haven't even handed out invitations or gotten approval from my parents. I hate this.

update, thing.

2006-05-14T21:34:42Z

I had corn on the cob, it brightened my day up. Not sure why, but I just felt better eating corn. I'm damn weird...but...I have to admit, it was good corn. ^^

My day would be even better if someone called me, or a friend came over. Any friend. Or enemy, or person capable of talking. Hell, I wouldn't mind hanging out with Bush, so long as I got to talk to someone. It's driving me insane, I can't stand being alone. It makes me feel like I'm useless, not accomplishing anything, just, useless. GRR, very irritating business it is being a hermit.

update, yet again.

2006-05-13T16:10:32Z

I really have issues. I have my dad's temper, my mom's dim-wittedness and mood swings, and my own bothersome rage that made me near-destroy my knuckles punching my door. I guess living here doesn't help, but still...I have fucking issues damn it.

an update! actual information about the life of me! kinda.

2006-05-13T14:11:37Z

Saw Kiss Me Kate yesterday. I found it quite enjoyable, not what I expected from GNG. Considering the fact that GNG is a horrible school, no matter how you look at it. But anywho, everyone (save for one person, who I hate) did a great job (hence, why I thought that one person did a bad job...) and, I stayed awake! I had to look away several times, due to attempted murder by means of coughing fits, but I managed to only cough, like, maybe thrice, all within a minute. Then I almost sneezed...

I tried to sneak away after, but did get to talk to Riva. Which was cool, considering that she lost computer rights for the time being, and I won't be seeing her again 'till monday...but, oh wells. I got a hug or two, tis all good.

So my parents are officially off on their own little adventure to vermont. Part of me hopes they get in an accident, part of me wants them to return, with maple smoked cheddar cheese...like they said they would. So they'll be back mid-to-late tuesday. That means I have to get up on time for the bus on my own, both monday and tuesday. Actually...not that difficult...considering I automatically wake up at 5:15 or so every morning. (willingly) Hell, I don't even have an alarm clock (anymore...it...no.)

So, back to other subjects...I can't wait for the summer! I'll be working with my dad for about $6.00 an hour, which isn't that great, or bad, but is still money! We'll be working on the deck, making it come around infront of the kitchen, as well as redoing the railings and such, and possibly other things. We'll be adding a second deck to the other side of the house, where we used to have one. (we still have a door there, heh) We'll begin work on the pen and barn for the sheep, chickens, rabbits, and other such outback. We begin work on the old house, and turning it into a store/workshop. We begin work on the backyard, turning it into a field for the sheep, as well as prepairing a spot for a pool. We begin work on the frontyard, making more room for parking, and an actual lawn. We redo and expand all the gardens. We continue work on the fishpond, making it come around into a full loop, and we'll be getting more, and larger-type fish for it. And we must finish the stairs indoors, redo my room again (this time furniture, not walls and floor), and eventually we must redo the living room floor (which will suck, its the room with the most traffic, it's upstairs, and connects all the rooms in the house together access-wise) as well as the downstairs ceiling (...same work space, different goal)

and so much other crap I just won't list.

Also on my summer list of things to do: (as far into the year as september)
1) Finish writing a novel, any one of the many I'm working on. (eh...so lazy)
2) Get into shape for track next year. (ACK! Me, in track?!)
3) Continue practice of piano and violin. (easy?)
4) Begin next step in training of kendo and fencing. (hopefully as a birthday present)
5) Expand my weapons collection by one battle-axe or spear/lance. (goal for end of 2006)
6) Get a damned ps2 already. (goal for end of september)
7) Clean my room. (goal for end of 2200 AD, or if possible, 2006. This is harder than you'd think)
8) Uhm...hmm. This one's none of yer business.
9) Learn how to cook. (like, now)
10) That's...really it. I guess.

I so want to bake cookies, damn it.

Yeah...

2006-05-08T21:40:13Z

me thinks I'm just about done with livejournal, as well as myspace. They really serve me no purpose, and so few people even know I have a livejournal. (well, quite a few know, but are too lazy to get their own)

so, my aim name: (although everyone who glances at my livejournal should know it already...sheash) Murders Haven
my email: Ragnarok@eyesonff.com
my phone number: ...ask me in person. I'm not THAT trusting.

-the pebble god, and slayer of muffins; Fluffy

Dancin' the Hempen Jig!

2006-05-07T19:09:42Z

NOT! Well, I would be...if I were a pirate in older days, and caught. yay for pirates! Anywho...what was I saying? I had a reason for updating.

Oh well, I'll invent a reason. OH MY GOD! IT'S GOT ME GOOD, IT'S PULLIN' ME DOWN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME!

DEAR GOD, IT'S GOT MY SPLEEN, ME BLEEDIN' SPLEEN, HOW THE HELL...ACK, BLOOD, BLOOD EVERYWHERE! IT WON'T LET GO! OH MY GOD!

And remember children, never eat oranges with steak knives.

yeah...

2006-04-30T20:36:51Z

I hate me again, but I'm too damnably cheery to really care. Though I am horribly bored...benamed to misery so to say. Anyone got a waffle maker, or a random belgian waffle I can have? Or just a net, so I can go catch frogs. That's fun too. Maybe I'll bake a cake...or finish sewing together my random barbarian costume, or swing my saber at stuff...or...any other blade at stuff...or...sleep outside and bask in the sun, that's fun too. Except I want to talk to people, like, really want to...so I'm constantly reminded of yesterday and how many opportunities I had to socialize, and now I just hate me. I'm going straight to hell when I die, it doesn't matter that I don't believe in hell, I'm there.

eh.

2006-04-29T14:45:30Z

going to a party today, so I must think of some way to be social. since I'm a hermit and all. the thought of talking to people just kills me, damn me. so i'll be hiding and eating the entire time, what joy. ><;
ah well, at least it's free food and it is a chance to try and not be so...damned hermity.

well, later people. (people being that anonymous person, and whoever else may happen upon reading this.)

oh, and I hope that random pain in my gut is just lack of food or something. it isn't pleasant.

so ticks the clock we call life

2006-04-25T22:18:38Z

anyways, going to dinner with riva tomarrow, and got invited to a party that doesn't exist because I can't tell you what I'm talking about. sadly, I have no money to get the non-existent person a birthday present (which doesn't exist)

so anywho...i noticed that I hate me. like, I mean it, I really do hate me. no matter what i've said before, at least I pitied me. now I just hate me. I've made maybe...a half dozen good choices in life. out of dozens a day. which is okay, because well...i'm an idiot. it's to be expected...
but here's where I stand in life right now:
I'm dating, though anti-social and poor and keep thinking it's going to go so horribly...which makes it worse because it makes me nervous that I'll screw something up, which, could potentially screw it up. if it isn't already. i'm a hermit so people flock to me rather me to them, and the ones who do come to me, usually annoy me. like john rogers. I hate him, with a passion. If I was physically able, I'd rip his heart out through his throat and then I'd rip out his spine, and strangle him with it. Or perhaps I'd slit open his belly and feed him his guts. I really do hate him, more than myself. But it was my poor choice to defend him when he was being picked on years ago that drove him to follow me around. so, my being so damned nice and selfless has come back to bite me in the ass...see, recently my being nice is good, i enjoy seeing people smile, and just be happy in general (though i also enjoy kicking people in the shins and staring at blood) anywho...so, back to hermiting. my hermit ways have never done me any good. i'm an outcast in my own family, in the majority of school as well. i cant perform socially, i just can't. i can't talk in groups, cant look people in the eyes, cant do shit. because im an outcast in my family, my parents have never helped me in simple matters, and ive always had to figure things out for myself...but...now I'm always judging people, expecting the worse in people. my parents continiously betray me, as do friends...like...my getting cheated on twice last time i dated, well, twice i know of...also, i'm damned dumb. i'm dim-witted, i never get things unless they're explained in detail, slowly, so it can be driven into my mind to be processed. this comes from my constantly keeping to myself, never paying attention to the world around me...i know nothing. i know of writing and various forms of killing. yeah, wonderfull. writing is a risky profession...as you can do well or horribly, depends on readers...and killing would only do me good in the medieval ages, as I mean by sword and bow. considering I train with every blade I own (11 swords, 10 daggers). i have no job, and wouldnt know how to get one, or be able to get one even if I did do to my horrendous grades and the fact that I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes during any sort of interview...then there's the fact that I've never driven a car before, so when it comes to permit and license, im fucked. i have no money so cant get a car, or permit...and cant get a job anyways as i have no way of getting anywhere save for foot and bike. i have no skills in anything but swords and writing...i have potential for architectural drafting and land scaping...but only if i get into college, as I don't know enough for either. i wanted to join the airforce, but my eyesight is an imediant no for being a pilot. even if i get laser eye surgery, there's a 50% chance they won't even consider letting me try. plus i've never taken good care of myself, and my entire body constantly aches, and I'm always getting sick...and I now have chronic migraines and i think i have asthma. that or my lungs are full of blood or something. *shrugs* then there's grades and school. I may never graduate. and I don't have the money for a GED (around $300 in most places)
so, what the hell am I doing with my life?

as to current events

2006-04-14T23:26:24Z

Hopefully hanging out with Riva tomarrow...I should call and ask her about that, but her mom still scares me ^^; but it'll be my last chance to hang out with ANYONE before heading off to pennsylvania...so, it's best that it's her rather than anyone *giggles madly*

I just hope her mom doesn't kill me O_o

Anywho...so, yeah. I'm leaving to go to Pennsylvania monday...we're driving, as usual. I've never flown, I probably never will. (the one time I do the plane will crash and I'll die.) But I get to take lots of pictures! yayness!...but it's still a week stuck with my parents, and lacking people to talk to. Or people to steal hugs from...damn it.

So go my lovely pigeons! spread the word! I WANT TEA!

'ello hello good lasses and lads. now shut up and read! ^^;

2006-04-11T21:40:13Z

Kidding...wait, no I'm not! GET BACK HERE!
I finished the first chapter of me grand story. Wow this story rocks. Just wait, it'll be my worse yet (even though this ones goal is publication). I have two editors helping me, and several people toss me ideas once and awhile (well, said they would...never did). I expect the final draft of chapter one to be on my deviant art as soon as my secondary editor/brother looks over it...and I was going to start chapter two today, but all I got was one sentence, and I crossed it out ^^;
So expect more news on me story writin' as time goes by...after all, I'm working on four or five stories right now. Mrow?

Now back to my original non existent soon to be explained point:
it's official.

You see, up until a few days or so, or...more, I...lost track...ago, I was single. (today's the 11th...so...yeah, I lost track.) anyways, so i'm dating again. but oddly, previous to this, and now more so now...I've become quite short tempered and much less social. Whether it be the stress from past events, my chronic migraines, the constant negative IQ about me, or drugs being slipped into my food and drink while I'm not looking...I am definetly one unhappy sob right now. and grumpy too ^^

So the officialness is? i'm a rock. (yeah...I didn't get it either)

TODAY IS THE DAY!

2006-03-30T21:42:03Z

Of..stuff.

I finally submitted stuff onto my deviant art site.
http://kaigen.deviantart.com/
^ that thing.

and more shall come...considering I'm working on a new story, a major work...that I have two people helping me with. Sorry, three. :)

So, back to basking in the sun and sleeping.
*POOF*

rawr

2006-03-29T00:13:04Z

and it was good.
well, for awhile.

(no clue, don't ask)

anyways, nothing to say. uhm...hi.

yeah...

2006-03-24T00:20:39Z

Ever had one of those days, that it seemed like the only thing keeping you from throwing yourself off a cliff or into a endless void was soothing music and a mocha chai latte?

Well, I've been having one of those days for the past few, and I'm sure I'll be having them for the next month or so.

So I began the 'save the josh' foundation, just send a hug my way, and offer to be a bodyguard in case something goes wrong (something will, it's inevitable, and my body will be put in harms way) and josh's life will be extended a full five to ten minutes!

Damn...I hoped to see the end of my life, but I'm afraid I may claw my eyes out first so I don't have to see the end coming. It's just too cruel.

...

2006-03-22T23:46:20Z

I'm so dead.

yeah...

2006-03-22T00:37:54Z

So I've hit a new level of weird. Which rocks.

Anyways, I've been sick for a week or two now, and have repeatedly almost passed out in classes. If I can't manage to stay concious, someone just kick me out of the way. (or roll me over so I don't suffocate)

monkeys!

2006-03-19T13:22:21Z

going to steves today, hopefully watching ff7 advent children. *giggles madly*
anyways...besides being a final fantasy freak...uhm...not sure if I have anything to say.

tomarrow better be interesting, because school usually isn't.
-the josh

Yeah...

2006-03-14T19:50:23Z

I finally came to terms with the facts:
My life is pointless. I've accomplished nothing. I've succeeded at...nothing. I've lost more friends to mere acts of being anti-social than pets to death. Which is a sad statement, considering how many pets I've lost over the years. I never seem to be seriously affected by anything I do, but everyone else is dragged down because of me. It's very disapointing, and in all honesty, I'm making me sick.

But thats okay, because I'm happier than I've ever been, and something tells me nothings going to matter down the road shortly. Life just seems to be very tense right now, I just know something's going to happen. It's the same feeling I got that day I went upstairs to find my parents solemn-faced sitting down in the living room, the day they told me about my grandfather having died the day before. My suggestion to you all, keep an eye open, and try to be in the best spirits you can...who knows what may happen. Enjoy life while you can.

On a lighter note, I'm very happy with my new start into writing. I don't see why I keep stopping...sheash.

I WAS HIT BY A MOOSE!

2006-03-13T23:42:00Z

...just keeping you on your toes.

yay!

2006-03-05T17:29:09Z

a new mission...
go a day without pissing someone off!
I seem to have trouble with this one.

YARGH!

2006-02-28T16:38:25Z

Randomly sick today, whatever it is it started yesterd-
-no it didn't. It started last friday when I went to Boston. It got worse yesterday, today it just sucks.

Hopes ta be in school tomarrow; (so I can annoy people with my waffles and doom story)
the josh-eth

I must be crazy. Or just really dumb.

2006-02-25T21:12:17Z

Though it will be very difficult to arrange and organize, due to my low grades and very irate parents, I will be attempting to have a random "you suck at life josh" party. I have been trying to get away from my hermit ways for a while now, and I've been failing miserably. So, if I invite a crap load of people I usually don't talk to but want to over, and make sure they know all my hiding places so I can't escape socializing, I can force myself to be less...hermitesque and more not...so hermitesque. O_o

My number is 926-4076 for anyone who actually read this and is interested. Which would be difficult granted that most of my online friends are either out of state or completely out of country. But there are some local online friends that should be school friends and such, but once again. Josh you fucking hermit. ><'

Yeppers, so, that's it for now folks. if I had more to-
-I just thought of something else. My back. My poor poor spine. I think it's definetly messed up a bit my friends. Not sure how, not sure in what way, but pain's a bitch. Maybe I fell out of my bed one too many times.

Oh, and last night I got sick to the point of delirium. I'd say it was very fun, but I don't really much care to think about it. Sucks being human, eh? Good thing I never tell my parents anything, that would have been another should-be hospital trip. (there are a lot of times things happen that I ignore, that should end up as hospital trips...lol)

kelaris_thaen @ 2006-02-25T12:33:00

2006-02-25T17:36:51Z

Your Livejournal zombie attack.

LiveJournal Username

The name of your zombie infested home town.

Your zombie killing weapon of choice.

How much do zombies scare you?

Oh noes!!11 A zombie! What do you do?

Blasting zombies left and right with a freaking twelve guage. What do you think?

rhox

Curled into a fetal position crying their eyes out.

psychogerbil

Is pwning some zombies with Don't Stop Me Now playing in the background.

sakura_xsi

Is sitting at home watching CNN and eating ice cream.

psychogerbil

Get ripped to pieces by the zombies. Bummer.

sakura_xsi

Is the zombie king who you must destroy to end the zombie menace.

cyphers_realm

Number of zombies you decapitate.

911

Chances you survive the zombie swarm.

100%

Fun Quizzes by Rob at BlogQuiz.Net

Entertainment News at NewsDump. All the latest goss!

(rhox needs update journalness...so no comment ^^)
poor gerbil. but damn, I want icecream ><'
Funny how Crowe got left out, even though he's the top zombie slayer 'round here. Well, not here, cause he lives elsewhere, but yeh get the idea, no?
and sounds like sakura dies fighting...shoulda gone with the dual shot guns m'dear.
as to cypher, better luck next time.

updates

2006-02-23T22:12:34Z

my shelves and counters are done in meh room, now to get rid of my old shelf, desk, thingy, and drawer thingy. besides that I have to start and finish my math homework and latework...and work on an english thing saturday and sunday. (taking math with me to boston tomarrow...)

which leaves me with no time to hang out with friends. someone do my a favor, kidnap me.

that's about it for updates.

...oh, and I'm starving to death...someone drop me off some pizza or steak. O_o

kelaris_thaen @ 2006-02-22T16:39:00

2006-02-22T21:41:13Z

I read it, so I'm inclined to post it:

"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. Ask me anything you want, even if it's extremely personal. I DON'T CARE. It's part of the fun. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything."

Well, I guess that's all folks.